Grieving With Hope

Today at 3:45 PM CST, Granny Ruth went to be with the Lord forever.

I am so glad that I got to see her and have a final conversation with her today before she died. It's ironic how you imagine what you will say in these defining moments, yet they hardly ever turn out as dramatic as envisioned. That's how it was today. I think that the reason for the lack of fanfare was that our "crucial conversations" had occurred all along the way. There was no need for a speech of "crucial regrets", just a temporary goodbye.

Three things that were included in virtually every conversation that we had since college were these thoughts:

GR: Granny Ruth loves you very much.
Me: I love you too Granny.

GR: Granny is so proud of you.
Me: I'm proud of you too Granny.

GR: God is So Good!
Me: Yes Granny. He really is.

Those were my last words to her today. It really was just that simple...

Tonight, Granny is getting caught up with the rest of her family in heaven: her daughther (Delores), her sisters (Ann Lee & Pearlie), and her husband (Wakefield). Most importantly she is no longer in pain and she is in the pressence of our Lord. Because of these things, even though me and my family are facing a great loss, we can grieve with hope -- an eternal hope (I Thes. 4:13-18).

Thanks to all of my friends who have been there for me during this experience. You will never know how grateful I am. My prayer is that you will feel this loved when you lose a loved one. You may not be part of my biological family, but you ARE family.

Victor

The Process of Acceptance

Today my Mom called with some tough news to hear. She told me that my Granny Ruth has had some difficult days and that there is nothing that the doctors can do except "make her comfortable".

As you know, I love my Granny Ruth dearly and feel very blessed that she is a part of my life. I also thought that I had accepted that she was in the process of dying. Both things are true. Today I learned something else. There is a big gap between mentally accepting that someone is going to die and practically accepting what that means...

Practically speaking, that means a hospice level of treatment versus treatments geared toward recovery. It means proactive planning for final arrangements versus hopefulness that the status quo will continue. Finally, it means letting the humanity of a person go so that they can die with dignity and suffer less.

I found myself coaching my Mom in these realities, yet realizing that our heads were far ahead of our hearts in the area of acceptance. The duality of this experience is that you're relieved that your loved one won't continue to suffer, yet you feel guilty that you're relieved!

In the midst of this experience, I also feel sad but not hopeless. As I am sure others have learned, oftentimes, the person dying is more ready for the experience than their loved ones. That's definitely the case for our family. Granny Ruth has been ready for decades. Now, she seems to be the object that God is using to teach me and my family the process of acceptance.

It's working...

Wisdom from my friend Damian...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential -- that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new! . Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Where Do I Lead a Double Life?

I was reading an editorial in the Kansas City Star newspaper today about how shocked the church goers were in Park City, KS when they learned that one of their members, Dennis Rader, was accused of being the BTK killer. While I'm not even remotely equating most of our behaviors with the horrible things this man is accused of doing, I can see in myself and others the capacity that exist simultaneously to do good and horrible deeds. The verse that the editorial writer uses is:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? — Jeremiah 17:9

A question that I asked myself is, "what keeps most people from dipping off the edge like Dennis Rader is accused of doing?" Another question I asked myself, "was I just white-washing my 'horrible deeds' based upon my evangelical pecking order of rating evil"?

I didn't like the answers that were popping up in my head. I'd like to think that I don't have a self-hating problem, but I do realize that I love and NEED the gift of God's grace daily just as much as Dennis Rader.

Finally, I was challenged by the idea that God CAN forgive this guy and asks me to forgive him too if he sincerely repents. That's when I hit my self-righteous speed bump. It looks like there's still some road construction in my heart. I guess I need to put down that stone in my hand...

How are you challenged in this area? I'd love to hear how it's playing out in your life.

In the Beginning... (alternate translation)

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from a size 6 to a size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.